


Addicted to Love (and You)

by honEy D (nitori_chan_san)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: AU with restrained emotions, Angst and Romance, Character Death, Drug addicts! Yutae, Drug dealer! Jaehyun, Jaeil - Freeform, Love is a Drug, M/M, Prompt Fill, Taeil-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2018-12-25 16:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12039456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nitori_chan_san/pseuds/honEy%20D
Summary: For over a century, with the help of science, emotions had been successfully diminished to nothing more than the ones necessary to live a controlled life. Taeil doesn't know better and just lives his life like that - Sleep, eat, work and repeat.But lately Taeil started to feel that there’s something missing in his life. An empty feeling that never disappeared no matter how much he studied or achieved.When he finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time one night, and meets the charming drug dealer Jaehyun, Taeil discovers a drug that is strictly forbidden, but which contains the one emotion that could possibly fill that empty space - Love.And it’s very easy to get addicted.





	1. Stage 1: Learning About Love

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [NCTprompts_VI](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/NCTprompts_VI) collection. 



> **Prompt: In a society where emotions are abolished, Taeil gets hooked on a drug called "love" and starts developing feelings for his dealer, Jaehyun**
> 
>  
> 
> I absolutely fell in love with this prompt when I saw it, especially with Taeil as the main. It just fits so well! I do want to say that I couldn’t make them feel no emotions, because without fear or a bit of happiness life is unlivable in my opinion and the world would be unstable???. So I just dulled down the emotions. Love is illegal though!
> 
> enjoy~

Taeil’s eyes fluttered open at the sound of his name. For a moment he was blinded by the bright light coming from the lamps on the ceiling. When his hands threaded through the soft fabric of the sheets on top of him, he realized that he was lying in a bed. Once his eyes were adjusted to the light and his surroundings came into focus, there was a woman sitting in a chair next to his bed, who he didn’t recognize.

“I see you’re finally awake.” The monotonous voice of the woman broke the silence.

Taeil blinked a few times as his eyes settled on the woman, who was holding a board in her hands, her clothes light and unwrinkled, like she was in a work environment. His first attempt to talk failed, but when he tried the second time, words finally left his lips. They sounded awfully strained.

“Y-yes. Where…” and he swallowed as he looked around the room. The only thing that was noticeably present was the huge painting of a vase with yellow and orange flowers hanging on the wall that he was facing. “Where am I?”

The woman’s face didn’t change, but she let out a breath that Taeil interpreted as a sigh. “You’re in a rehab centrum, Moon Taeil. Do you remember why?”

Rehab? Taeil’s brows furrowed in confusion, trying to wrack his brain over what could’ve possibly happened. “I-I don’t-“

Suddenly Taeil’s hands shot to his chest on instinct when such an immense amount of pain emerged in his chest, that he was left breathless. His breathing came out fast and ragged and his eyes teared up at the intense feeling that seemed to rip apart his insides.

The woman didn’t seem to be fazed by the behavior, because she continued talking. “You overdosed on Love. Right now you're experiencing the withdrawal effects. You’re lucky to be alive.”

Taeil barely registered the words as memories flooded his senses like a movie cut into pieces. Light brown strands getting further and further away from him. The sound of a gunshot. A scream, not his.

Outside the sudden images, experienced feelings came with them. There was a longing feeling. A painful feeling. Feelings he couldn’t even attempt to explain as he tried to get himself together. All of them ran through Taeil’s body at once and he gasped when one face in particular became clear in his mind. It was like a picture, burned into the back of his eyes. The picture of a beautiful man, with a soft smile, dimples in his cheeks and with a body like a model.

Someone who learned him how to live. How to love.

_Jaehyun._

“Jaehyun!”

 

* * *

* * *

 

  _4_ _months prior_

 

It was dark in the streets of the outskirts of Seoul. Some lampposts were giving off a buzzing orange light, others weren’t working at all or flickered in an almost threatening way. The moon was almost full and the stars were shining brightly in the night sky as there were no clouds to make them disappear. There were barely people out at this hour and except for the cars that passed by so now and then, it was fairly quiet.

Taeil didn’t care about any of it.

The only thing he wanted right now was go home and fall on his bed after taking a hot shower. He had worked over hours in the office, which resulted in more salary, but it also meant he had only left the gray and dull-looking building at eleven.

Taeil sighed as he walked along the pavement. It had been a tiring day.

It had become a normality in his life lately. Being tired and feeling unfulfilled. There wasn’t really anything he enjoyed, to a certain extent. No it was just…

Plain, boring.

Empty.

And it worried him slightly. He had always been someone who wanted to work and study hard to achieve everything that was in his possibility. Heavy emotions didn’t play a role in his life anymore, so he had the opportunity to follow his dreams without being distracted by unnecessary feelings. He did exactly what he was supposed to do, what everyone expected of him and what he expected of himself. But even if he didn’t know how True Happiness felt and didn’t really wanted to know how it felt either, he still wasn’t even _remotely_ happy.

Around a hundred years ago the world had been a mess. People dropped out of university or stopped working more and more. The cause: depression. And some countries had taken action, thinking it was getting out of hand. They decided to take on the Anti Emotion Policy. Scientific research had pointed out that emotions were the cause of all the misery inside people’s minds. It caused disturbance in life, be it public or private, and Korea among other Asian countries had taken on the policy as an experiment.

It turned out to be a success and not many years later the policy had been fully accepted and every inhabitant was forced to participate. There was no free will in the matter. Taeil thought that if he had lived back then, that he would’ve participated voluntarily anyway.

Because it was either take your pills or die.

Of course not everyone was happy with it, but Taeil knew The Uprising was a dangerous topic to talk and even think about. His parents and he himself didn’t know any better than living like they did now. His emotions had been dulled right from the beginning and he didn’t mind. He learned what True Emotions were, but only on a theoretical base, from textbooks. It was interesting, but Taeil never longed to have them.

No, he was satisfied with working hard without distractions. Who needed jealousy or shame or even love to hold you back or make life harder? Taeil didn’t need it. Of course there were some emotions that were needed in order to make life stable, such as fear, sadness, happiness. He all knew them and had experienced them, but they were there in a more restrained way than all those years ago. He would never know what True Sadness or True Happiness feels like.

Taeil thought that was a good thing. He remembered when his cousin died in a car accident. They had been pretty close and he had been sad. It was the first time he had ever cried and it had been a weird experience. His parents had been shocked as well when they saw it and had taken him to a doctor to prescribe some medicine immediately. It was, again, a moment in which Taeil was thankful for not having True Emotions.

Still…

Taeil looked at his digital watch to see it was nearing half past eleven. He still had to walk at least ten minutes to his apartment.

He lived alone in a small apartment on the second floor of a large complex. He huffed in annoyance. Why was he so agitated lately? Nothing seemed to be good enough, nothing seemed to brighten his days only for a bit. There was just this empty feeling in his gut, that no amount of achievements seemed to fill.

Maybe he should call a doctor. There was obviously something wrong with him.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he suddenly heard a loud crash behind him. Taeil whipped around to see a man stumbling over a trash bin from one of the alleyways he just passed. He was obviously in a rush because once he regained his footing, he started running.

Straight at Taeil.

“You!” the man yelled while running at him. It was a hoarse voice, thick from exhaustion and adrenaline from running for a long time and Taeil’s eyes widened as he realized it was directed at him.

He took a hesitant step backwards, a light shiver of fear running down his spine. His eyes widened when he saw the pocket knife in the man’s hand.

Time seemed to stand still for a moment as the man came nearer. The situation seemed to hold Taeil’s limbs captive and didn’t let him move from his spot. The man’s pursuer became visible as well. It was a hooded male, running, no rather sprinting after the man with the pocketknife. And so, also towards Taeil.

It was a weird situation and Taeil surprised himself by still thinking so clearly. The man had almost reached him and was already drawing his arm back to stab him, which Taeil thought was totally unfair and unnecessary, because he had done nothing to provoke him. He was just an innocent bystander. But that didn’t seem to faze the man.

Taeil raised his arms to his face instinctively. If he was going to be stabbed, then not in his face. That wouldn’t be a way he wanted to die. He still looked with trembling eyes at the other, hooded, pursuer, who was now standing still.

But not because he was giving up, no, he was aiming something at the other man’s back. Taeil noticed the flickering of the orange lanternlight on metal.

It was a gun. 

But his attention, through a gap between his arms, was now on the pocketknife man who couldn't be further away than two meters. The arm with the knife came down in slow-motion and Taeil closed his eyes tightly, an overwhelming feeling of fear taking hold of his gut as he waited for the inevitable moment the steel would hit his chest or stomach. True Emotions or not, the fear of losing your life apparently hadn’t disappeared.

Was this is? Was this the end?

It was a bit of a late realization, but he didn’t want to die.

Taeil shrieked when suddenly someone pushed him away roughly and he fell to the ground, hard, his side hitting the asphalt of the street, making him lose his breath momentarily. It felt like a dream as his mind was all over the place and his body still refused to move.

“Yuta put the fucking gun away!” Taeil heard someone yell and then there was the sound of fighting.

He had to get out of here.

So he slowly pushed himself up with the palms of his hands after which he crawled to the pavement so he at least wouldn’t get run over by a car. Then he stood up with trembling legs.

He looked up to see a guy with light brown hair, wearing a leather jacket and ripped jeans holding down the man who had been so close to stabbing him just a moment ago. The guy looked over his shoulder at Taeil, giving him a smile, or more a smirk, before punching the aggressor in the face rather harshly, knocking him out cold immediately.

After that the guy in the leather jacket flexed his hand a few times. The hooded guy, who had been watching wordlessly, walked closer and once again took out his gun to point it at the unconscious man’s head.

“I will fucking kill you,” he growled.

“Yuta! stop it right now!”

The hooded stranger called Yuta turned towards his friend(?) angrily, and carelessly waved with the hand that was holding the gun.

“Jaehyun, he fucking touched Taeyong.” Then he gritted his teeth and put two hands on the trigger to aim it at the man on the ground again. “I’m not letting him get away with it.” But even Taeil could see that his hands were shaking badly.

“If you do this, I’ll stop supplying you, because it means you don’t have your emotions under control. Remember what you promised me?” The other said with crossed arms, his voice neutral, but not as neutral as people usually sounded.

Then Yuta turned towards _him,_ and Taeil noticed the other’s bags under his eyes, his tensed up shoulders and the almost murderous look he was giving him. “Who the fuck are you, and what do you think you’re staring at?”

“Nothing,” Taeil quickly said while taking another step backwards.

“Fuck,” Yuta wheezed as the realization finally settled in, “he heard you saying that, Jaehyun. Fuck!” Yuta started to pace around. “He can’t go to the police. He can’t…” And then - to Taeil’s shock - the gun was turned towards him.

“Yuta!” Jaehyun warned him, and he locked eyes with Taeil for a second, before turning back to Yuta, “You go back to Taeyong, I’ll take care of him.”

Yuta seemed to think about it for a moment and let out a frustrated scream. “Fucking fine.” And with that he stormed away, back towards the alley he originally came from.

“You okay?” Came the sudden worried question as the guy called Jaehyun looked him up and down.

Taeil nodded quickly. “Y-yes.” And he bowed. “Thank you for saving me. I-“ He moved himself upright again. “I’m not…” He gestured to the unconscious man under Jaehyun’s foot awkwardly. “You know, calling the police.”

Jaehyun just shot him an apologetic smile, “That would be nice. Sorry for the inconvenience.” Then there was a pause, followed by, “are you really okay? It was a pretty traumatic experience.”

“I’m okay, really.” Why was this man insisting on making sure he was okay so much? Taeil just wanted to go home if he was honest. The fear he had felt earlier, had left his body completely.

Jaehyun scratched the back of his neck. “I know. Sometimes I forget that you all don’t have True emotions.”

What did he mean by that? Taeil cocked his head a little to the side. “Uh… okay,” Taeil said. Then he pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. “Is it okay if I… leave?” 

Jaehyun’s expression turned from surprised to apologetic again. Taeil was astonished at how many times his expression had changed during their short conversation - It was intriguing. Very much so. He’d never seen someone’s facial muscles move so much with every different word they said. Jaehyun waved his hand dismissively

“Yeah, go ahead. I’m not going to kidnap you or something.”

It was almost said with a laugh, and Taeil thought that there was something off about this guy. He had to be careful.

“What are you going to do to him?” And Taeil nudged his head to the guy.

Again multiple expressions crossed Jaehyun’s face and Taeil couldn’t place them all.

“I think it’s better for you to go.”

The dangerous glint in the other’s eyes made Taeil shiver involuntarily, and without saying anything else, he turned on his heels and walked away from the scene.

 

* * *

 

Even though Taeil could forget the nasty incident rather quickly, he somehow couldn’t get the picture of Jaehyun out of his head. Lately he had been paying closer attention to others, searching for different emotions, but never did he really see the rich expressions he had seen on the man with the dimpled smile.

“Taeil-hyung, you’re staring.”

Taeil blinked a few times as he was shaken out of his thought. It was said in a casual way, and when Taeil met his coworker's eyes, he noticed the other’s eyes were twinkling with something that looked like…

 Amusement?

“Do I have something on my face?” Sicheng asked further and Taeil shook his head.

“No Sicheng, you don’t.” And he patted his shoulder. “I shouldn’t have. Let’s get back to work.”

Sicheng smiled at him and nodded. Why hadn’t he noticed the younger’s bright expressions before? It was a bit out of place in their working environment, but it was evident that Sicheng seemed livelier than others. Than him.

Before Sicheng walked away, Taeil called after him. “Sicheng.”

“What is it, hyung?”

“Do you…” and he hesitated for a bit, “do you enjoy life?”

“Huh?” Sicheng asked confusingly. His facial expression changed a little, more than his own would, less than Jaehyun’s would. “Enjoy life? Well…” Then he smiled again, “Well, yes I do.”

Taeil leaned closer to his coworker, and brought down the volume of his voice. “Don’t smile so much here, I don’t want to see you into trouble. Maybe you should see a doctor and take some pills. You’re shining very brightly these days, Sicheng.”

Sicheng took a step backwards at his words, his face still the same as a moment ago. He looked around the room at the other coworkers who were just silently working on their computers. He nodded absentmindedly and his eyes stopped twinkling.

“Yeah… maybe I should, thank you.” With those words the lanky, Chinese man walked away quickly.

Somehow Taeil felt a little bad.

Okay, he should definitely see a doctor.

 

* * *

 

Curiosity had been a human’s trait from the moment they started to be rational beings. But along with the restrainment of emotions, so went away a large part of that exact curiosity - There was no desire to explore the world, to find love or to discover every little thing in life anymore.

Somehow on his way back home from the office, Taeil still stopped in front of the alleyway where the man that had attacked him yesterday had come from. Taeil briefly wondered if that Jaehyun had killed the man. He didn’t seem capable of it, and killing was highly uncommon these days, since there were no such things as jealousy of grudges being held anymore.

But still, the unreadable expression the brown haired male had carried made Taeil suspicious.

It was late at night again and Taeil hid behind the wall to peek around the corner. There were some men standing in the darkness of the small street. They weren’t really subtle out it, and their voices were quite loud as they were discussing something.

“I was wondering if I’d see you again,” came a voice behind him, and Taeil jumped, his heart jumping with him to his throat. He quickly turned around to see Jaehyun standing - or rather leaning - against the wall, his arms crossed, a lazy smile on his face.

Taeil breathed out in relief with a hand covering his chest. However, before he could say something, he heard a series of shouting coming from the alley, and again the sound surprised Taeil.

“Why are they so angry?” Taeil asked while peeking behind the corner again. Jaehyun grabbed his shirt and pulled him backwards.

“Don’t do that.” And when Taeil met Jaehyun’s eyes, they were sparkling with amusement. It reminded him of Sicheng earlier that day. “And I guess you don’t do ‘hellos’, but it’s okay, I guess,” Jaehyun said with a roll of his eyes.

“Well?”

“It’s what Love does with people,” Jaehyun said challengingly.

Love. It was a strictly forbidden drug that made people act like hooligans and made them irresponsible human beings. It had been an emotion that had existed all those years ago. The whole situation should’ve surprised Taeil. The name of the drug alone should’ve made him run away. But it did neither.

Love was the only emotion that had disappeared _completely_ within people, while the rest of them existed in a restrained way. Taeil had always found it an interesting thing. Even more so because of the fact that even textbooks barely spoke about it. The only thing he knew about the emotion was that children were being conceived through it back then. Nowadays, a man’s seed was just injected into a woman’s womb, so no sexual activity had to take place anymore. Luckily.

Taeil studied Jaehyun. “Are you perhaps affiliated with those men?”

“Hmm not affiliated directly, but I guess in a way.”

“But you don’t look…”

“Like a criminal? Isn’t that more logical though? I think, if I really looked like a junkie, I would’ve been in jail a long time ago.”

Taeil nodded in understanding, which was weird, because this guy basically admitted being a criminal right in front of him. But just the way Jaehyun acted was enough to pull Taeil in somehow.

“You’re their dealer?”

Jaehyun’s eyes widened and he uncrossed his arms, looking to the side nervously. Taeil watched his expressions with interest. “How did you-“

“Know? I’m not totally stupid. You’re not affiliated directly and you seem the only… sane one. You seem more responsible and calm, characteristics that are suitable and needed for someone with a higher status in this circuit.”

Jaehyun whistled at his words. “You sure know your stuff.”

Taeil shrugged and decided on his next question.

“Did you kill that man?”

Again that unreadable expression appeared. “Well, wouldn’t you like to know?”

“I would,” Taeil said back. “That’s why I asked, right?”

Jaehyun sighed heavily. “Ah I keep forgetting that y’all don’t get or appreciate sarcasm.” He kicked the wall a few times with his foot. “I’m not going to tell you what I did, sorry.”

“Oh,” Taeil just said. He felt his fingers suddenly tingle as another question was burning on his tongue. “Why does your face move so much?”

That pulled a laugh out of Jaehyun. “My face moves? How’s that so?”

Somehow a twinge of annoyance settled in Taeil’s stomach. “It just moves.” And he gestured to the other man’s face. “I’ve never seen it do that on other people.”

That seemed to make Jaehyun understand. “ _Oh.”_  Another laugh. The dimples in his cheeks were showing, and it made Taeil unable to look away. “Hmm it’s a secret,” the other said mishievously. Then he thought for a second, before stepping a little closer to Taeil. “You sure are curious. Well, okay I will tell you… but only if you try it out yourself.”

“Try out what?”

“Love.”

Taeil immediately shook his head. He needed to stay as far away from this criminal ordeal as possible. He was already being irresponsible by talking to a drug dealer. Something he still didn’t understand. Was this curiosity? He wanted to know every answer. Why was this Jaehyun so different? Why was Love something people liked? Why was he interested?

But he still valued his life.

“I think I need to go,” Taeil said more softly than earlier, but before he could leave, Jaehyun grabbed his wrist, making the shorter male turn around once again.

“Don’t you feel… empty inside?" Jaehyun asked him while looking deeply in his eyes. "Don’t you feel like you’re not really living? Love can change that. It changes everything and everyone.”

All of a sudden Taeil felt more uncomfortable than ever before.

Taeil pulled his hand out of the other’s grasp, and without saying anything back, he almost ran all the way home. The questions Jaehyun had asked were engraved in his mind and didn’t let him go in his sleep, nor in the following days. Rather, it made him even more agitated and annoyed at his surroundings. He tried to ignore it, but the empty feeling Jaehyun had asked about - it was as if he could look straight into his body and his feelings - only grew at the knowledge that there was a possible remedy.

 

* * *

 

 A week later Taeil resolutely stepped into the dark alleyway. A few shady looking men looked at him aggressively and it made him feel a bit out of place and uncomfortable. Once he spotted Jaehyun talking to another man, he ignored his surroundings and walked straight at him.

Jaehyun looked up from his conversation when his partner looked at Taeil incredulously and when his eyes settled on the shorter male, he quickly hid a pouch with pills inside his jacket and let out a nervous chuckle. He glared at Taeil though and grabbed him by the back of his collar, dragging him out of the alley with an. “I’ll be back in a second.” Directed to the other man.

“What are you doing here?” Jaehyun asked with a huff once they were back on the regular street.

Taeil shook his head. “I- I don’t know…” a silence followed in which Taeil was gathering his thoughts on exactly why he had decided to come back.

He decided to start with the one thing that had bothered him every single day in the last week.

“How did you know? How did you know how I feel? I never told anyone.” His hands went to his chest unconsciously with a frown on his face. “I don’t know why it bothers me this much. but this feeling… it doesn’t go away. And it doesn’t make sense, because I have everything I could wish for, I-“ Jaehyun’s eyes were soft and understanding when Taeil looked up at him, searching for an answer.

“I just know. I’ve seen it happen before.” The dealer said with a sigh, “I believe it bounds to happen to everyone eventually. Humans were never supposed to live without love in the first place.”

“That’s not true. my life is just fine, all good, nothing wrong. I probably need to call a doctor.” Taeil said back.

“Then why haven’t you yet?” Jaehyun challenged him calmly. “You could have, but somewhere you know that it won’t help. You keep coming back here. Why do you think that is?”

“Because something just…” and Taeil was getting more and more desperate, not understanding himself at all.

“Don’t you get it?” Jaehyun continued, “It’s love that they wiped from our existence. It’s the sole reason every emotion in us is gone. Because love, love heightens everything. It brings out the best and the worst in us. I think, unconsciously, you’re searching for the real life experience and not just this empty shell that everyone think is oh so good.” 

“Why are you a drug dealer? Why are you so keen on making people addicted to something illegal?” Taeil said back in a borderline accusing tone, trying to ignore the wise words the other just said. Jaehyun shook his head.

“It’s not because I want people to get _addicted_. I can tell you all about it. All about me, all about what it is that makes Love something beautiful. But I can only do that when you try it out yourself.”

Taeil shook his head and opened his mouth to say something. However, the drug dealer started talking before he could.

“And before you’re going to refuse and keep telling me how much of a bad person I am, remember you voluntarily stepped into that dark alley to confront me. You can’t tell me it was just to ask me a simple question. Somewhere you’re tempted to try it out and you know it.”

“I’m not-“ Taeil started weakly, but the realization that Jaehyun could be right hit him hard and scared him.

“What’s your name?” Jaehyun asked him then, out of nowhere.

“Taeil, Moon Taeil.” He said without hesitation. Why? Why was he doing this? There was a small spark in his gut. Was it because it was dangerous? Because it was not allowed? Because he still wanted it despite that?

“Well then Taeil,” Jaehyun said with an knowing and amused smile, again showing his dimples, “let me offer you this. I’ll give you one dose for free to try it out. You never have to come back here again after that if you don’t want to. I just want to show you what you’re missing out on. It’s not that you have something to lose. You won’t lose your job, nor your lack of emotions. In the best case you learn a new experience _and_ find something worth living for.”

When Jaehyun put it like that it was indeed very tempting. And the fact that Jaehyun was giving it him for free meant he wasn’t doing it to get money out of it.

“Say…” Taeil began tentatively, “I wanted to try it. What’s in it for you? What do you want in return?” Taeil wasn’t as naïve as to think there existed something like selflessness.

 At this Jaehyun smirked at him.

“I want to see who you really are, Moon Taeil.”

 

* * *

 

The first thing Taeil noticed when he walked through the big and heavy black door situated in the back of the alleyway, was the music. Music wasn’t illegal necessarily, but it wasn’t appreciated at all in daily life. It didn’t add anything valuable and Taeil had never listened to music voluntarily. So having loud music blast through a room that smelled like sweaty bodies and alcohol was not something that reassured Taeil that he was indeed doing the right thing.

Not that taking drugs was a good thing…

The next thing he noticed was even more shocking.

His eyes were drawn to two men somewhere on the side of the room. They were kissing and weren’t subtle about it as their hands were all over each other and their mouths were glued to each other tightly. What were they doing? Did they have any idea how dangerous that was?

Jaehyun saw his shocked look and chuckled. “Not something you see every day right?”

“W-why would they want to do that?” Taeil asked. He couldn’t believe it was a nice thing at all.

“Because it makes them feel good.”

“I can’t believe _that_ feels good.”

Jaehyun wrapped an arm around his shoulder and Taeil flinched at the sudden proximity. Then the other led him to what seemed like a bar. There were a few men and women talking loudly, laughing, eyes twinkling. Loud and slurred phrases left their lips and Taeil wasn’t impressed at all. Was this really worth doing something illegal for?

“You, Taeil, still have a lot to learn.”

Left and right people shot him confused and judging looks, while they greeted Jaehyun respectfully. The brown haired man led Taeil to another room, behind the bar. When the door closed behind them Taeil got a little nervous.

Jaehyun left his side and walked to a storage closet to open it. Taeil could see different tubes, syringes and even pills lying in the boxes on various shelves.

“You would get a lifetime in prison for this if someone finds out.” Taeil said monotonously.

Jaehyun just hummed and pulled out a syringe and filled it with a red liquid. It looked almost like blood, except that the color was a little lighter and less thick. Jaehyun tapped the needle a few times. Then he turned to Taeil again, his eyes expectant.

“I mean normally pills work just fine, but for the first time I always recommend to let it enter your blood stream immediately for a quick effect.”   

Taeil gulped as he stared at the syringe. “So that’s Love?”

Jaehyun nodded. “it is.”

“And you?” Taeil asked him, “Are you taking it as well?”

“I don’t need it.” Jaehyun simply said as if it was normal, “I’ve taken it before, but it doesn't have any effect on me.”

What?

Then why was he a Love dealer in the first place, when he didn’t even know what it felt like? Things were turning out like he hoped less and less. Upon seeing Taeil doubts, Jaehyun quickly added. “Take it and I tell you why. I’m not forcing you to, but I can’t tell it without this in your system.”

Taeil looked at the door and then back at Jaehyun who looking at him encouragingly. He thought about the empty feeling he dealt with every day. With a sigh he stretched out his arm after removing his jacket and dropping it on the floor.

“Please be quick about it.”

Jaehyun took hold of his arm carefully and brought the needle to the crook of his arm. He hesitated a moment before finally inserting the needle into Taeil’s skin and bringing the red liquid right into his vein.

Taeil gasped softly at the sensation, not tearing his eyes away from his arm. When the little tube at the end of the injection needle was completely empty the needle left his arm and Jaehyun walked to the end of the room to throw the needle away. Taeil flexed his arm a few times in the meantime.

He felt…

Nothing.

He tried to focus on a change in his body, maybe even in his mind. But there was nothing, not even a spark. Instead he felt even more empty at the disappointment.

“Why isn’t it working? I don’t feel anything.” Taeil asked almost irritably.

It angered him further when Jaehyun walked back to him with a roll of his eyes and a smile on his face.

“Love is not something you experience yourself. You _feel_ it together with someone else. But beside that… it’s already working. Your expressions are changing visibly this time. At first I didn’t understand when you asked me why my face was moving so much, but now I finally see you showing _actual_ emotions, I finally get it.”

“T-together?” Taeil stuttered,  “With who? I don’t know anyone here except for you!” there suddenly was an anxious feeling in his gut. Wasn’t love supposed to feel good? “And my face…” he touched his forehead and his cheeks. “What’s wrong with it?”

“Nothing is wrong, Taeil.” Jaehyun said with a sigh. then he stretched out his hand. “Come on. I’ll introduce you to some people who can help you experience it all.” As Taeil hesitantly laid his hand in Jaehyun’s larger one, he suddenly felt something and couldn’t help but jump at the feeling.

It was a warm spark in his chest.

 

* * *

 

“Yuta! can you come over for a bit?” Jaehyun yelled over the music when they were standing somewhere on the side of the warm and packed room.

Yuta? it sounded familiar…

To his shock one of the guys who he had spotted kissing earlier, looked up and skipped over to them, taking the other boy, who’s pink hair was vibrant and in contrast with everyone else’s hair, with him by the hand.

When Taeil and Yuta locked eyes, the shorter realized that this had been the hooded guy from a week ago. The guy who had pointed a gun at him. And suddenly he was surprised that it scared him. He had forgotten all about the incident before, but now it felt like he had experienced it just a moment ago, the feeling of almost dying settling deep in the pit of his stomach.

“Oh?” Yuta said surprised, but happily. Scared or not, Taeil couldn’t really tear his eyes away from this Yuta. he looked completely different from the last time he saw him.

He looked so alive. Not tense and nervous. He looked carefree.

“Taeil, I believe you two already met under different circumstances, but this is Yuta” And Jaehyun gestured to Yuta, who shot Taeil an apologetic look, scratching the back of his neck. “Ah yeah… I’m sorry for that. I wasn’t really myself back then.” Taeil just nodded, still a bit amazed by the difference.

Jaehyun then pointed to the pink haired guy. “And this is another good friend of mine, Taeyong.”

Taeyong waved at him with a smile and Taeil hesitantly waved back. Somehow he felt really overwhelmed by looking at this guy. He was just so…

Beautiful.

“Yuta, Taeyong, this is Taeil.” Jaehyun told the two. Then he turned to Yuta with a dimpled smile. “I was wondering… this is his first time taking Love, could you learn him a thing or two? You know, guide him through it?  I need to take care of some things.” Then he turned to Taeyong. “Sorry Tae, I hope you don’t mind? I don’t want you to strain yourself.”

“It’s okay.” the guy called Taeyong said with a soft smile and a dismissive wave of his hand.

“Y-you’re so pretty.” Taeil suddenly uttered. He had never really felt like actually having an opinion about anything, such as art and music. But now everything he was seeing and feeling was so… heightened. The music in the room was terrible for example and this guy, or both of these guys, were stunning.

Taeyong’s eyes widened before he chuckled.

“Thank you. This is your first time right?” and Taeil nodded, “You’ll be alright with the right guidance. It can all be pretty overwhelming, but I assure you, you’ll love it. You will love everything.” His voice was soft, with a nice ring to it. Then Taeyong kissed Yuta’s cheek and walked away.

Suddenly Taeil felt very aware of Yuta’s stare on him. Again their eyes met and Taeil noticed the grey lenses the other was wearing that gave his eyes an extra sparkly effect. Then Yuta smiled and grabbed his hand unexpectedly.

He felt his stomach flip.

“Just the usual?” Yuta asked Jaehyun, who hummed in agreement.

“Yeah nothing too heavy. I think he’s pretty sensitive.”

Yuta smirked at that and put his other hand to his head in a saluting manner. “Got it! Only kissing allowed.”

“W-wha-“ Taeil said with wide eyes. He didn’t understand what the others were talking about exactly, but he _did_ know it was about him. he pulled his arm back a bit, but Yuta didn’t let go.

“Let’s go.” He said instead and started pulling at Taeil’s hand while walking, almost skipping, backwards. Taeil shot a worried look at Jaehyun over his shoulder. The other just waved and laughed. Taeil could only blink at the sight. He was pulled to the middle of the room where different people were either talking or moving on the music. They stopped and once again and Yuta stood right in front of him. He didn’t let go of his hand, but instead brought it to his lips and kissed the skin on top of it.

With a squeak Taeil pulled back his hand. “What was that for!?” he almost yelled and Yuta just laughed at him. It was a lighter sound then his usual voice and his teeth showed while doing so. It was really attractive. Taeil felt his face heating up. In awe he placed his palms against his cheeks.

Why did his face feel so warm?

“You’re adorable you know that?” Yuta told him while cocking his head to the side and putting a hand in his side. “Okay let’s start, shall we? Lesson one.” And he held up one finger. “Don’t fight your sudden feelings. Just let them flow through you and accept them as a part of your current self. It might be weird at first, but if you try it more often, you’ll get used to it.” Then he winked, “Got it?”

Taeil nodded and tried to relax. But it was hard. Especially when Yuta took hold of both of his hands and brought them to his own shoulders. “Hold on.” He whispered and then laid his own hands on Taeil’s hips.

“W-what are you doing?”

“Lesson two.” Yuta said with playful grin. “Love is all about experiencing things together. An important part of that is intimacy. Oh don’t look at me like it’s the most disgusting thing in the world.” Yuta ended with a laugh.

“I- I don’t think this is a good idea.” Taeil said. He was starting to panic. The way his heart was thumping wildly in his chest couldn’t be healthy.

Then Yuta pulled him closer all of a sudden, fully wrapping his arms around him. Taeil yelped and closed his eyes tightly at the sudden warmth in his chest.

“Open your eyes Taeil.”

And he did. Yuta’s face was awfully close to his, smirking at him like he knew exactly what he was feeling.

“Come on you can wrap your arms around my neck. I know you want it.”

“I don’t want it!” Taeil huffed, but he found himself doing it anyway. It was thrilling in some way. He had never felt like this before. Feeling warm inside, tingles dancing along his body, being incredibly nervous.

He was feeling so much, that the emptiness from earlier was nowhere to be found.

They moved around like that for a moment and Taeil enjoyed every second of it. Never would he have thought to enjoy being held like this, but the warm hands on his lower back that he could feel through his shirt were thrilling.

“You enjoying yourself?” Yuta asked him and Taeil nodded with a smile. 

Before he could say something, suddenly another presence was close behind him, trailing fingers from his neck down his back. A breath was against his ear. Taeil jumped at the touch.

“Lesson three.” It was Taeyong’s voice, “Love brings all the emotions to it’s fullest. It makes you passionate about things, appreciate things and it makes you jealous. Love is beautiful, but it can be an ugly, ruthless thing as well. It’s all about having control over your emotions. Let it slip once…” Lips pressed against his nape and Taeil’s eyes widened, a gasp escaping his lips as his stomach jumped. His arms tightened around Yuta’s neck unconsciously.

“And the hurt will be unbearable.” Yuta finished his lover’s sentence in a whisper, while moving his face even closer to Taeil’s, who definitely had a hard time breathing at the new sensations. Apparently Taeyong saw it because he calmly dragged a hand through his brown hair.

“How old are you?” Taeyong asked him.

“T-t-twenty f-four.” Taeil answered as he closed his eyes tightly again.

“Okay breath in and out slowly, Taeil-hyung. Don’t fight it, it’s supposed to feel good remember?” Taeyong’s voice was soothing and Taeil opened his eyes again. Yuta was looking at him playfully, eyes dancing with interest and Taeil impulsively touched the other man’s face, feeling the soft skin.

“Good.” Yuta said and then he shot a look at Taeyong. Taeil felt the presence behind him disappear. “Just focus on me now, hyung.”

“A-are we going to kiss?” Taeil asked and he heard his voice come out higher than he intended.

“Do you want to?”

“But you have-“

“Taeyong? I know, but believe me this is not the first time I’m doing this. We are here for exactly this purpose, guiding people through the experience. And right now, when the Love is still strongly in your system, it will feel really good. Don’t think about consequences right now, just us.”

Yuta’s voice became softer and softer with every word he said and their faces were so close their noses were touching. Taeil felt it. He felt the drug taking hold of him, his mind and body.

_Don’t think about the consequences._

_Just us._

“Close your eyes.” Yuta whispered and Taeil obeyed.

The next moment he felt lips touch his.

And that was when everything became clear.

Every fiber in his body was reacting to it, burning up at the weird sensation he had never felt before. The emptiness in his gut, moved to his mind, but not in a bad way. No, in a way that made him feel freer than ever. Yuta’s lips were so soft, his smell so nice and his body so warm. It was overwhelming. Taeil felt like drowning.

Yuta pulled back and Taeil whined in return, pulling on the other’s neck and connecting their lips once again.

It was addicting and Taeil wanted it to last longer.

To last forever.

But Yuta pushed him away softly, his cheeks and lips a little red. Then he smiled at him and Taeil felt dizzy at all the different emotions. An arm appeared around his shoulder and he saw pink strands in the corner of his eye.

“He’s pretty isn’t he?” Taeyong murmured against his ear softly and Taeil just nodded. Yuta was now looking at Taeyong longingly.

Taeyong continued, “I know you like him, but I do too… so maybe we can share him tonight.” Before Taeil could ask what he meant by that, another voice came from behind him. a voice that made him let go of Yuta and turn around immediately.

“What did I tell you? I said nothing _too_ much. How is having a threesome _not_ too much, huh?”

 It was Jaehyun and he was obviously holding back his laughter at Taeil’s shocked expression. Taeyong just shrugged. “It was worth the try.” And Yuta nodded in agreement.

Jaehyun held out his hand to Taeil. “Come on, let’s get your jacket. It’s getting late already.”

“Oi!” Yuta said and wrapped his arms around Taeil, making him unable to put his hands into Jaehyun’s. Taeil turned to Yuta, surprised.

“Let me say goodbye first.”

This time it was Jaehyun who rolled his eyes, “Fine.”

“Will we see you again soon?” Yuta asked him hopefully. Taeil didn’t know what to say, but what he _did_ know is that he had never felt this alive before. It was as if things finally mattered.

“I-I think so.” He answered thus.

Yuta then took hold of his chin and pecked him on the lips. “See you around then, Taeil-hyung.”

 With that they left and Taeil touched his lips with the tip of his fingers. His face, that was heating up again, did not bother him in the slightest this time.

 

* * *

 

“So I take it you had fun?” Jaehyun asked him when they were standing in the room behind the bar again. Jaehyun had taken Taeil’s jacket from the floor and handed it to him.

Taeil nodded hesitantly. “It was… strange. I never felt like this before.” He held a hand to his chest and smiled softly, “It felt so good. And so intense. I felt like floating, even if he was just holding me. I felt free.” When he looked up, Jaehyun was looking at him with a dimpled smile, leaning against the wall with crossed arms. “W-what?”

Jaehyun pushed away from the wall and moved closer to him. then he pinched his cheek and Taeil slapped the hand away playfully.

“I finally saw you smile today. It’s definitely not a bad sight.”

Again Taeil felt his stomach flip.

“I would love to talk more with you, as I promised, but you probably have work tomorrow and It’s already two AM.”

At that Taeil’s eyes widened in panic. He totally forgot the time. And work. Jaehyun just laughed again.

“Time flies when you’re having fun.”

 

* * *

 

“So? Will we actually see you again?” Jaehyun asked him once they were outside. The other had immediately lit up a cigarette when they left the place and now blew out some smoke, up in the air. The street was silent and empty and there was a constant ringing in Taeil’s ear from the past music. He bit his lip while wrapping his arms around himself, feeling a little cold. He honestly didn’t know. He knew he shouldn’t come back. First of all it was illegal and he could go to prison for this. Secondly, It was changing him, making him a different person than he was.

Or maybe this was just the real him...

Without looking at Jaehyun he started talking, “I think I want to try it again.” He left a pause, after which he quickly added, “Don’t worry I will take my money with me next time.”

When he looked at Jaehyun, it was the latter whose eyes were slightly widened. Then he shook his head. “You don’t have to… Bring money I mean. Just… come by again. I’m sure Yuta and Taeyong would like that as well.”

“W-why, everyone else pays as well right? I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Because you intrigue me, Taeil.” Jaehyun said after taking another drag of his cigarette and exhaling to the side. “I stopped charging Yuta and Taeyong for at least a year now. It’s good to have some friends around.”

At this Taeil smiled. “Okay if you’re sure.... Thank you for everything, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun smiled back and stepped forward to bow his head closer, his mouth next to Taeil’s ear.

“I saw you kissing with Yuta tonight. Maybe next time we can continue from there.” When he pulled back he let the cigarette fall from his hand and stepped on it with his foot, looking straight in his eyes. “Only if you're interested of course.”

“I-I think I need to go home.” Taeil quickly said and with that he turned around and walked away. His heart was beating faster than ever and he cursed at himself as he wondered how Jaehyun’s lips would feel on his and his hands on his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was the first chapter. Congrats if you made it this farXD I hope you liked it. There will be three stages all together.  
> I really hope I didn't ruin the prompt too much by adding all kinds of stuff, but yeah... also this is endgame Jaeil.  
> I would really appreciate if you left a comment to let me know your thoughts/critique to improve!  
> If people are interested, this is [my twitter](https://twitter.com/softyukkuri)
> 
> ~honEy D


	2. Stage 2: Living with Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who didn’t give up on this story?:) I am terribly sorry for the long wait. I wouldn’t say I got writer’s block, but inspiration sure seemed to lack the last months.  
> I really do hope you’ll enjoy this. I enjoyed writing it a lot. Thank you for all your kudos and comments last chapter ♥
> 
> Also! A million thanks to my Beta Eden! I will work hard on my punctuation hahaha  
> (I changed back the rating to T, but it might go up again in the last chapter, idk yet)

Over the next week Taeil found himself inside the shady club slash drugs den more than in his own apartment, popping by most nights. It wasn’t an easy choice to make to come back or not, but after the drug had exited his body and mind that first night he felt emptier than before. It was like his life was sucked right out of him. He _could_ remember his first kiss, but _couldn’t_ remember the feelings that came along with it. He didn’t remember the sensation inside his chest when he put his hand in Jaehyun’s for the first time, nor when Taeyong and Yuta danced with him.

And so Taeil learned that Love is cruel. It can give you so much, but can take it away in just a second as well, leaving you with nothing but emptiness.

It was terrifying how much impact the Love experience had had on him. Especially because he wasn’t even supposed to _feel_ in the first place.

But he craved it. Even thinking about the possibility of the first time he used Love also being the last time made him miserable and restless. Taeil wondered if this was how it felt to be addicted to something. How it was possible after just using it once…? He didn’t know either.

Taeil was currently sitting at the bar, a pout on his face as Jaehyun walked right past him without even sparing him a glance. Taeil couldn’t help but let his eyes linger on the taller man’s back. Then he shook his head. He shouldn’t be like this. Jaehyun was working at the moment, selling his beloved drug, and Taeil had no interest in getting involved with that.

“Boo!”

Taeil almost fell from his chair when his heart jumped to his throat. Two hands held him into place however and Taeil couldn’t help but smile softly at the warm tingle it sent through his body.

“Did I startle you?” Taeyong asked as he put his head next to Taeil’s, wrapping his arms around his waist from the back. Taeil couldn’t help but lean back in the embrace.

“Yes, can you not do that please?” Taeil huffed.

Taeyong hummed. “Hyung, you should really do something else with your hair. I think purple would look really good on you.”

It was such a random comment that it made Taeil laugh. if only he had the guts to do something like that. Taeil softly touched his hair.

“I still work in an office, Taeyong. I don’t think my boss would appreciate it.”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot.”

“Luckily not everyone shares Taeyong’s bad taste in colors,” Yuta suddenly said and Taeil turned around to see the Japanese male standing with his arms crossed, a playful twinkle dancing in his eyes. Taeyong in return let go of Taeil and put his hands in his sides.

“Uh, can you go annoy someone else? Taeil-hyung and I were having a moment.”

Yuta puffed out some air and cockily walked to Taeyong to pull him closer by the waist. “And leaving me out of the fun? I don’t think so.”

Then Yuta turned to Taeil, looking him up and down.

“You should totally go for white. Jaehyun will lose his shit by having his own angel around.”

Taeil didn’t need to feel his cheeks to know they had turned warm and bright red. Why did Yuta _have to_ mention Jaehyun? They hadn’t talked since their last encounter, even if the other had been so insistent on learning him more about Love and himself.

“Look, now you’ve made him sad,” Taeyong said to Yuta, but in a teasing way so that Taeil could obviously hear it.

“Maybe he can join us on the dancefloor,” Yuta added, while caressing Taeyong’s cheek.

Taeil felt his heart stop for a moment and beating fast right after. They were really an unique pair. He never really saw them apart. It was like they were one person, not functioning without the other. Even after a week that had become an obvious thing to Taeil. He was somewhat glad they stuck to his side most of the time. Taeil didn’t know anyone else and even with Love in his system he didn’t really dare to go and meet new people.

His eyes found Taeyong’s and the pink haired man stretched out one of his hands towards Taeil, his eyes shining with curiosity. “Come on, let’s go Taeil-hyung. And who knows? Maybe we can get Jaehyun to notice you.”

Taeil hesitantly laid his hand in Taeyong’s and the other smiled his pretty smile at him. He quickly shot a look at Yuta who was looking at him with a smirk.

It was scary and exciting at the same time, but Taeil thought it wouldn’t hurt to get the most out of his Love experience, before returning to his old, boring self.

 

* * *

 

“Come on, if you don’t take another one the effect will soon wear off,” Taeyong whispered with his face close to Taeil’s as he pushed a pink pill against his lips. Taeil shivered and he opened his mouth to allow Taeyong to carefully place the pill on his tongue with his index and middle finger, which the younger let linger inside his mouth.

In the meantime Yuta huffed against his neck, his hands on his waist tightening their hold. “That’s hot,” he said and Taeil shivered at the proximity of the males. He was currently sandwiched between the couple and everything they did was making Taeil’s head spin and warming his chest.

They knew what they were doing and they were enjoying it.

“Suck his fingers,” Yuta softly breathed in his ear and Taeil closed his eyes tightly at the stir in his stomach. But he found himself unable to disobey and closed his mouth around the digits. He didn’t dare to suck but instead he rolled the pill back in his throat and swallowed.

Yuta’s hands travelled lower and when Taeil opened his eyes, Taeyong was staring at him with a darker look than his previous nice one.

“Yuta told you to do that, didn’t he?” Taeyong asked and he shot an annoyed and longing look at the other male. Taeyong’s face moved even closer after that. “Then suck properly.” He almost demanded and Taeil whimpered as he breathed in and out through his nose sharply. Everything was so intense, so hot, so overwhelming.

“Taeyong get your fucking fingers out of his mouth. Geez!” a voice came from behind them and with a sigh Taeyong’s fingers disappeared from Taeil’s mouth. The shorter male turned to the voice he recognized immediately and saw Jaehyun standing not far away, his arms crossed and his expression a little annoyed.

When both the others gave him some space, Taeil felt like he could breath again. It wasn’t that he _didn’t_ like it necessarily, but he also naturally knew that it wasn’t real. Taeyong and Yuta were very much in love with each other and not with him. Taeil wouldn’t go as far as to say they used him as a toy, but it was just a game for them and somehow Taeil didn’t know if he liked that or not.

Taeil longed to have something like they had. To experience it at least once.

“Well…” Yuta started, “You were the one who wanted to teach him the ways of our precious drug. Now you are ignoring him, so we’re taking over.”

“Since when are you two so willing?” Jaehyun asked incredulously.

“Because,” Taeyong said while dragging out the word and wrapping an arm around Taeil’s shoulder, “He’s pretty. He isn’t some tall, nasty dude. He’s cute, a little naïve, just-“

“I am not naïve,” Taeil huffed and he pushed Taeyong away lightly. “It’s just new. That’s all.”

At that, the tension in Jaehyun’s shoulders relaxed and he let out a sigh. Then he looked straight at Taeil. “I promised you I would tell you more about everything… Want to come upstairs? We can talk there, I’m done for tonight.”

Yuta whistled. “Upstairs? Since when was the last time you-“ But Taeyong put a hand over his mouth mid-sentence. He retreated it a second later with a yelp as Yuta licked his palm.

“You’re gross,” Taeyong said with his face scrunched up, wiping his hand on Yuta’s sweater. The latter in return took his wrist and pulled him closer. Taeil averted his gaze with a blush as he heard Yuta whisper.

“Maybe we can do some other gross things.”

“As I said,” Jaehyun continued with a roll of his eyes. But then his look was more serious and Taeil found it hard to look away. “Shall we go? Don’t worry, I’m taking you there just because it gives some privacy. That’s all.”

And without thinking Taeil nodded, an unconscious small smile on his face.

 

* * *

 

The room they entered was dark. The only light available came from the windows that were half opened, a night breeze swaying the curtains lightly. Moonlight was shining through them and it bathed the surroundings in a cool, blueish shade. There was a queen-sized bed in the middle and a wooden desk in the far corner.

There was a fresh smell with a hint of cigarettes that somehow was very Jaehyun-like. However, it wasn’t a room Taeil would like to sleep in. It seemed like it hadn’t been used for a while, even though Taeil was sure Jaehyun slept in it every night.

Maybe coming here wasn’t such a good idea. As Taeil wrapped his arms around himself to protect himself from the cold air, he suddenly longed for the warmth of the room downstairs, surrounded by music and laughter, surrounded by Yuta and Taeyong’s warm bodies.

Jaehyun’s voice broke his thought pattern and the all-consuming silence.

“The lights are broken, but I have a few candles on my desk. Wait, you can sit down on the bed, I’ll close the windows. It’s colder in here then I thought.”

It was said in a casual and soft way. As if it was a normality that Taeil was here with him, a normality for Taeil to be here with him on his bed. As Jaehyun passed by, he let his hand slide over Taeil’s lower back and waist gently, after which Jaehyun walked towards the other side of the room to complete his tasks. It was weird, because Taeil didn’t know Jaehyun. At all. They had just talked like what? Three times?

And yet here he was, standing in his room, being nervous about a talk that he was anticipating and fearing at the same time.

Hesitantly, Taeil walked towards the bed and sat down on the mattress. It was softer than he expected.

Jaehyun sat down next to him. Not too close, but not too far either.

And then there was more silence.

“I’m sorry for not talking with you sooner, work was really busy,” Jaehyun eventually said while scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “I mean, I brought you here, promised to tell you stuff, and yet I did neither of those.”

“Uhm, it’s okay,” Taeil quickly said. He fumbled with his hands and then looked at Jaehyun. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

An amused smile appeared on Jaehyun’s face. “I know...So how have you been? Since you came back I take it you like it here?”

“I do…” Taeil admitted. “Taeyong and Yuta take good care of me and-“

“Yeah, I noticed that,” Jaehyun interrupted him, rudely. “What about Love itself?” Taeil swallowed, but somehow he couldn’t lie to this man. Or maybe he just didn’t want to. He looked at his hands.

“When I came home that first night and the Love was out of my system… It was awful. I felt empty, lifeless, you know… Like nothing really mattered.” He looked back at Jaehyun. “The worst part was that I couldn’t remember how I felt. Just the actions, not the emotions. Like it was all wiped away from my body.”

Jaehyun nodded, “As I told you before, people were never supposed to live without emotions in the first place. The important part of being alive is to actually _live_. Do things you like, love people, hate people. To have ambitions, curiosity, jealousy, greed. I could go on, but I think you get my point,” He cocked his head to the side. “You know, for most people it takes a while to realize all of this, but you… You get it. Right from the start you seemed to understand.”

Taeil looked at him confusingly. How could Jaehyun say that? He had absolutely no idea what to do or how to handle emotions. He didn’t get it all. “I think you overestimate me.”

“I think you underestimate yourself, Taeil,” Jaehyun shot back.

Taeil felt nervous all of a sudden. He stood up. “No, I- You have no idea _how_ wrong all of this is. I don’t know what I’m feeling or doing, I’m not quick to catch up. My work is piling up at the office, because I can simply _not_ concentrate. I’m always thinking about it. ‘When will I get another pill?’ ‘When can I get out of here?’ It’s-“

Jaehyun grabbed his wrist gently. “Calm down. I’m not here to make you more stressed or to force you into things.” And Taeil hated how just the other man’s touch could really calm him down. Jaehyun continued, “I’m not saying you understand what you’re feeling. And you know what? That is not what this is about. _I_ don’t even know what I’m feeling half of the time. The point is, you _get_ it. Living. You understand that these emotions, that Love gives you, are a real part of you. You’re different from the usual visitors. You work, earn money, have a family, you’re normal.”

Normal. Taeil didn’t like it.

“But that’s what makes you special,” Jaehyun finished and he shot him a dimpled smile. Taeil immediately took a step backwards and pulled his hand out of the other’s grasp. His heart was thumping uncomfortably fast in his chest.

“H-How do you know all of this?” Taeil shot back almost in a panicking voice, “You said you never took the drug, how could you possibly know all of this?” It was one of the questions that had always lingered in the back of his mind. It was what still made him suspicious of the other...

Jaehyun’s expression darkened for a second, before he sighed. “Please sit down.”

“Tell me!”

What Taeil didn’t expect was Jaehyun to stand up and walk towards him, grabbing both of his wrists. For a moment Taeil felt a shiver run down his spine; he tried to pull his hands away. “Let me go.”

“I want to tell you, but I have to be able to trust you. So please sit down,” Jaehyun said it in a hushed way. Taeil stilled and looked right in the other’s eyes. There was determination in there. Taeil breathed in and out and nodded a few times to himself. This time he _did_ manage to break free and he walked towards the bed and sat down.

Jaehyun sat down next to him once again, breathing out a sigh of relief. He didn’t look at Taeil as he said his next words.

“My emotions were never restrained in the first place.”

Oh.

Wait...

What?

Jaehyun looked at him with serious eyes then. “I never took the drug, because I didn’t have to. My emotions have always been there. I don’t know what it is to live without them. That’s why I know how it feels and why I know we were supposed to live _with_ them.”

Taeil’s mouth went dry as he looked at Jaehyun in astonishment. “H-How is that possible?”

Jaehyun let out a breathy laugh, “If I knew I’d tell you… I don’t know. My parents tried everything…” Again a bitter look on his handsome face. “It’s why I never belonged anywhere, why I started to sell Love eventually. To let other’s experience it as well.”

Taeil could barely believe it. It was so unlikely, so uncommon. However, it also explained why Jaehyun felt so nice to be around. Why Taeil was so captivated by him. He really _was_ different from all of them. But it also raised other suspicions. Because showing too much emotions was not allowed. How could he have hidden them all the time? Lived with them while no one else did?

“It must’ve been hard.”

This time it was Jaehyun who looked at him in surprise. His eyes softened immediately and he nodded. “It was. But it’s better now.” Then he reached out and brushed some hair from Taeil’s forehead. “You’re the first one to really say something like that to me.”

Taeil felt his cheeks heat up at the gesture, even if he didn’t know why. There was more to it then Jaehyun let him know, Taeil knew that. He wondered how Jaehyun lived before this.

There was something just so… Interesting about him.

Jaehyun’s expression then changed. There was something more playful, something that Taeil found strangely attractive.

“Remember what I asked you last time?”

Taeil looked at him questioningly, trying to remember their past conversations. There wasn’t anything specific-

There was a chuckle. “Let me put that differently… Can I kiss you?”

At the direct and quite unexpected question Taeil felt goosebumps cover his body like a prickly blanket. In the past week he had learned that kissing was actually something quite normal in the Love scene. Whenever he’d arrive, he’d be kissed by Yuta and Taeyong, whether it was a kiss on the cheek or a peck on the lips.

But still, when Jaehyun asked him if he could do just that, with serious eyes that seemed to be looking straight through him, Taeil couldn’t help but feel different. Jaehyun had something mysterious around him, a certain vibe that made him want to discover all of his secrets, his feelings. Like a puzzle Taeil desperately wanted to solve.

Jaehyun was asking him if he was allowed to kiss him, while Taeil felt like it was the biggest privilege to even sit in the same room as the strange, kind hearted drug dealer.

“Yes,” he breathed out.

And at that moment Taeil learned what it meant to anticipate something. It was like his chest was constricting, but in a good way. A way that made his mind scream ‘Yes!’ and ‘Faster!’ Unconsciously he tensed up when he felt the ghost of  breath against his lips, knees touching his and a warm hand on his biceps.

“Relax,” Jaehyun whispered. But it was futile, because that was something Taeil could just _not_ do.

Taeil let his instincts take over and his eyes fluttered close. And at that same moment, Jaehyun’s lips pressed against his.

It was something Taeil had never experienced before. With no loud music, no noise from the packed room downstairs, it felt much more intense. His whole body was filled with butterflies, leaving a hot, tingling trace wherever they came. It was like he couldn’t think anymore, only focus on how Jaehyun’s lips felt soft against his.

Way too soon they broke apart, or rather Jaehyun pulled back. Taeil let his eyes flutter open.

“So how was that?” Jaehyun asked in a whisper.

But Taeil couldn’t answer him. instead he reached for the other’s face and pressed his lips back on Jaehyun’s. He wanted to feel more of this _amazing_ feeling that warmed his whole body and made him forget about everything else.

And the way Jaehyun held him and kissed him back more forcefully made Taeil wonder.

Was this something real?

 

* * *

 

Taeil stared at the grey, in some places water damaged, ceiling and let out a sigh. There wasn’t any reason for it. Just a certain satisfaction that had to leave his body. He glanced sideways where Jaehyun was lying, smoking a cigarette relaxingly.

Then he looked down at their intertwined hands.

A small smile stretched across Taeil’s face. This night had certainly been an experience. Taeil had finally understood how kissing could make you feel good. At first, when he had first come to the drug den, he had been disgusted by it, spurred on by a certain fear of its illegality. But right now, it was the best thing that had happened to him in a long time. He blushed at the memory of Jaehyun’s tongue entering his mouth. If he thought about the action, objectively it _should be_ gross. Instead it had caused the spark that was present in his chest whenever he was with the younger to intensify.

Jaehyun’s thumb brushed over his hand and Taeil felt light butterflies in his stomach at the action.

Taeil didn’t want to ruin the mood, but he had still some questions that he didn’t know the answer to. He didn’t know when they would have another private conversation like this. It was now or never.

“Jaehyun?”

Said man turned towards him after blowing out some smoke. “Hm?”

“Did you kill that man back then?”

“Taeil…” Jaehyun immediately warned, but Taeil was determined to find out the truth.

“I need to know.”

“What if I told you I did?”

Taeil gulped. “Well… Did you?”

Jaehyun sighed and laid the cigarette in the metal ashtray on his nightstand. “You’re not going to like the truth.” Then he faced Taeil, who was holding his breath and let out another -this time  shaky- sigh. “I didn’t kill him directly, but I know he’s dead. And yes, that is because of me. He was part of a gang and I know someone who works with their rival gang. I brought him there. He was a traitor of that gang and they are merciless with traitors.”

Taeil watched Jaehyun’s dark expression and he couldn’t help but feel… threatened. The kind where the hairs are standing up on the back of your neck.

“W-Why? What did he do for you to go to such lengths, how could you-“

“Taeil.” It was said in a soft, but warning way and Taeil immediately took his hand out of Jaehyun’s. “You have no idea of the things he did.” He sat up straight and looked directly in front of him. Away from Taeil. “That night, he did the unforgivable. Luckily Yuta was in time to prevent something worse from happening.”

“But killing, Jaehyun…” Taeil whispered unbelievably. This time Jaehyun did look at him again, pinning him into his spot with his gaze.

“He’s Yuta’s ex.” He shook his head with a bitter expression, “You don’t know anything, Taeil. You don’t know how much he hurt him. How much he stalked him, nearly drove him insane. He’s the reason for Yuta’s slightly twisted character. He’s part of a gang, remember. He killed so many for the most idiotic things. He was an addict. And not only a Love addict. He also used other stuff that I refuse to sell. He was a monster and I’m glad he’s gone. I wasn’t going to let Yuta kill him. If I did, it would haunt him forever.”

 _Doesn’t it haunt you_ _?_

Taeil tried to process all of the information. To his own surprise he didn’t feel afraid like he should. He wasn’t angry at the cruel act Jaehyun had done. Why? He should be running away at this moment, telling the police.

But he didn’t.

Instead he was disgusted at the admiration he felt because of Jaehyun’s strong sense of loyalty towards his friends and his apparent caring nature. Hesitantly, he reached for Jaehyun’s hand again, who looked at him questioningly. Taeil gulped and chose his next words carefully.

“I don’t know anything, right?”

“That’s not what I-“

“No, it’s okay, because it’s true. I only know the normal life. I only know school and work. I don’t know about anger or pain or huge struggles. I don’t know what drives people to do certain things. But… I’m starting to, by experiencing emotions myself. I felt more miserable and more happy in this week alone than in all my life.” Taeil looked at Jaehyun with a serious expression, but with kind eyes. “You care about your friends a lot. I- I don’t believe you’re a bad person.”

The hold on his hand tightened and Jaehyun shook his head. “You should hate me, or at least feel disgusted. _That_ is normal, why aren’t you like that? It takes people years to understand certain feelings, yet you, you unconsciously try to understand them like it’s common to do so… ”

“You killed him and…” Taeil let out a shaky breath, “That’s wrong, _so wrong_ … but I don’t despise you for it.” The thought of someone hurting Yuta or Taeyong made him feel incredibly angry. It was like a fire inside of him, a plainly ugly feeling. “Besides that… Don’t you feel, you know, guilty?”

“I’m surprised you know what that is.”

“Does it hurt?”

Jaehyun let out a laugh, but to Taeil it sounded more broken than anything else.

“More than you know.”

 

* * *

 

Love was all rainbow and sunshines until you are confronted with the harsh reality. It’s all fun, all new, until you needed to return to your regular life and work, without a drug.

Without his friends and Jaehyun.

Two weeks had flown by like it was nothing and with every passing day Taeil grew more tired and more restless. He barely slept since he was in the club until _at least_ two am, sometimes later. That said, his dreams these days were so lively and vivid that Taeil often found himself waking up every hour of the night in a cold sweat at the intense happenings from his fantasies.

Jaehyun had told him there could be side effects, but Taeil never thought they would exhaust him like this.

“Taeil-hyung.”

Taeil was shaken out of his half asleep state with a jolt and sat up straight immediately, wiping some drool from his mouth embarrassingly. Sicheng was looking at him with a slightly worried look, his forehead a little furrowed.

The only thing Taeil thought was how Sicheng would blossom if he would use Love as well. He quickly shook his head and looked at his computer screen in front of him. He couldn’t think like that. He shouldn’t even want to bring his colleague in such a world.

“Moon Taeil, my office now.”

Taeil jumped at the voice behind him and he looked at his boss, staring at him with prying eyes, an emotionless expression on his face. Just like always. Taeil gulped and stood up, following his boss to his office. He could hear Sicheng mutter a “Good luck hyung” at him. He knew he was going to need it.

 

* * *

 

“Your work has been rather disappointing lately, Taeil,” his boss, a middle-aged man with a rather round face framed by rectangular glasses, said to him with his hands clasped together in front of him. “Fellow colleagues of yours complained to me about your lack in motivation, saying that you even fall asleep occasionally. I want you to know that this is unacceptable.”

Taeil listened to the words and automatically he nodded and bowed ninety degrees.

“Apologies sir, I haven’t been well lately. It won’t happen again I promise.”

To be honest the words should scare him and they _did_ in a way. He had seen people get fired for less and if there was something he couldn’t afford, it was being fired.

“For this time I will accept them because you’ve always been a good worker, but there won’t be a next time if this happens again.”

“I understand sir, I won’t slip up again. Again, I’m terribly sorry.” There was a desperateness in his voice that even surprised Taeil himself and when he looked up his boss was looking at him borderline suspiciously.

“Whatever you do at night needs to stop. We’re not a hotel.” Taeil stiffened at the words. Did he know-

Taeil nodded curtly, a “I understand, I will do my best from now on” leaving his lips, and left his boss’s office. Instead of going back to his working place he immediately went to the bathroom. Once inside, he was glad to find it empty. His breathing came out ragged and he felt his hands shake. He supported himself on the sink and looked at himself in the mirror.

He looked terrible.

There was a weight on his chest, but he couldn’t feel what it was supposed to be. His emotionless nature wouldn’t allow it. He _felt_ the emotions wanting to come out, but instead he felt nothing. With a trembling hand he reached inside his pocket and took out a pouch with three pink pills. He looked around several times to make sure nobody was there and he put one of the pills in his mouth, using the sink water to swallow it.

When he looked back in the mirror his eyes were different. And even though he looked terrible, there was something captivating about his sparkling eyes that looked a lot livelier than before.

And then the anxiety hit him.

The words of his boss resounded in his head over and over, his mind coming up with worst case scenarios on the spot that took his breath away. There was a twist in his stomach and his hands started shaking again. His throat felt closed off, as if no air was allowed to go through it.

And then the tears came.

Taeil was shocked to feel the wetness come from his eyes. He had only cried once before when he was a child, but this was different. The weight on his shoulders was crushing him and he stumbled inside a toilet cubicle. He locked the door and sat down on the dirty floor.

The sobs came next.

He’d never felt the urge to cry like this before. Then why? Taeil hid his mouth behind his hands as the sobs made his shoulders shake.

Most of all he was afraid. Not because he didn’t understand what was happening, but because of the fact that he could soon lose his job. Afraid that someone could see or hear him like this and take all his happiness and pain away.

Because in a twisted way, and as much as he wanted to get rid of the terrible feeling, the pain was welcome as well.

 

* * *

 

After work, Taeil practically ran to the club that had become like his safe haven. When he walked through the large black doors his eyes frantically searched the room for a familiar face. There were some guests, but since it was still early it wasn’t as busy as normally.

His eyes fell on Yuta who was cleaning some glasses behind the bar. Quickly he headed over to the now-blond male.

“Y-Yuta, do you- do you know where Jaehyun is?”

Surprised Yuta looked up at him. “Oh, Taeil-hyung?” Then his eyes turned a little worried as he took in his appearance. “He’s still upstairs… Are you okay?”

Taeil shot him a strained smile and thanked him before making his way to the wooden door in the back of the club.

If he would lose his job, he couldn’t afford to come here anymore. He wouldn’t see Yuta’s healing smile anymore, wouldn’t quietly talk with Taeyong anymore. And he wouldn’t be able to feel Jaehyun’s hand in his. He would have to search for a new job, probably in a different city. As he ran up the black, battered stairs, the thoughts made a bile rise to his throat again.

As always, the door of Jaehyun’s room was open and Taeil didn’t hesitate to walk in. He immediately spotted the drug dealer at the window, blowing out some smoke of his cigarette. And normally he would say something along the lines of ‘You know those things will kill you, right?’ but right now he just stood in the door opening, chest heaving.

Jaehyun turned to him and their eyes locked.

“Taeil?”

Taeil had never felt more relieved.

Tentatively he walked over to the other, who had thrown his cigarette out of the window and was looking at him questioningly.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Taeil shook his head and once he reached Jaehyun he wrapped his arms around the taller man’s waist and buried his face in his chest, inhaling his familiar scent.

Jaehyun didn’t say anything, which Taeil was thankful for. Instead he wrapped his arms around smaller male and went through his hair with his fingers.

“I don’t want to lose this,” Taeil whispered in Jaehyun’s shirt, his eyes leaving wet spots on the fabric. “I can’t.”

The arms around him tightened and Jaehyun’s next words were said against his hair.

“I won’t let you go.”

The words were like a hit right in his chest and Taeil immediately looked up at Jaehyun, whose expression was serious, determined. It was too much for him and he looked away.

“I’m sorry I know you are busy but-“

But his sentence was interrupted by Jaehyun’s lips against his. And even if he couldn’t breathe, Taeil felt like he could breathe again, his anxiety making place for a warmer feeling. A feeling of safety and stability, even if he knew that he was right in a drugs den, kissing _the_ drug dealer.

When they broke apart, their foreheads still connected, Taeil sighed heavily. Jaehyun drew circles on his hips. “Want to tell me what happened?”

“I- I took a pill after I had a conversation with my boss.” Taeil closed his eyes. “The panic was so intense… I felt like throwing up.”

“You shouldn’t take them in your daily life,” Jaehyun said. “I don’t want you to get in trouble because of it.”

But Taeil shook his head. “I know. But Jaehyun… I felt them. I felt the emotions inside me. They just couldn’t get out. They were trapped inside and it made me feel so… so unreal. This isn’t just about taking Love for the sake of having a good time, this is about being _me._ I want to know what kind of person I am.”

“And I appreciate that.” Jaehyun said with a dimpled smile and he brushed some hair from Taeil’s face. “But you should be careful. If it’s at your work you should be extra cautious. Stress can cause some serious damage and I don’t want you to have a breakdown. Your body is still getting used to all the new emotions, so it’s possible that you’re experiencing them more intensely. I always had a feeling you were extra sensitive as well.”

Taeil sighed again and let go of Jaehyun to sit down on his bed. “Great,” he said sarcastically as he let himself fall backwards, the sheets welcoming him and soothing his body. “Why did I think this whole Love thing would be a lot more fun?”

Surprised, he looked at Jaehyun who laid down next to him. In a swift movement the younger rolled on top of him.

“J-Jaehyun?”

A hand trailed up under his shirt and Taeil felt his whole body heat up, goosebumps appearing everywhere. Jaehyun’s face was close and his eyes were secretive, but also full of admiration.

“Feeling emotions more intensely can also have its advantages,” he whispered and then he buried his face in Taeil’s neck to place openmouthed kisses on the skin, his fingers still dancing over the older male’s stomach and chest.

And Taeil’s heart jumped, the flutters heavy in his stomach and he couldn’t help but let a whimper escape his lips. The burning sensation felt amazing. And as Jaehyun removed his lips from his neck and placed them against his own, kissing him passionately, Taeil drowned in it, forgetting about anything else.

_Yes. This is real._

 

* * *

 

Taeil had used the word “jealousy” as if he knew what it meant. He did, on a theoretical basis. He knew by watching Taeyong’s expression darken when Yuta danced with someone else, or when Yuta once punched a wall when someone kissed Taeyong right on the lips. It wasn’t hard to figure out if you knew what to look at.

But he had never experienced it before himself.

That was until he saw a tall man wrap his arm around Jaehyun’s shoulder and take him outside. He watched them walk through the door, itching to follow them, but not doing anything except for balling his fists.

It was a week after the incident at his work and after Taeil had gone to Jaehyun for comfort, something had changed between them. It was like it was only then that Taeil realized how afraid he was of losing everything. Jaehyun made sure to come to him everyday to either simply squeeze his hand or to kiss him on the lips. Taeil had no idea what they were, or were supposed to be, all he knew was that Jaehyun was there for him and made him feel like he was important. There was always this _pleasant_ spark in his chest whenever he was with the younger man. And as they talked more, he felt like the puzzle that was Jung Jaehyun was slowly, but surely, coming together.

“What’s up with you?” Yuta asked him and he nudged him in the ribs.

“Nothing,” Taeil gritted out and he stubbornly averted his gaze from the door to the side. It was an ugly feeling, jealousy. It made you insecure, lowkey angry, and bitter. No matter how badly Taeil wanted to push the feeling away, it was back just as quickly.

“Who was that man?” he asked after a short moment of silence.

“That’s Seo Youngho, a good friend of Jaehyun. They’ve known each other for a long time,” Yuta said.

“Oh.”

A pause. Then a chuckle.

“You’re totally jealous, how cute,” Yuta said amusingly.

Taeil eyed his friend as if he had lost his mind. “I am most certainly not. Why are you even here?”

Yuta wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Keeping you company, of course. Taeyong is in our room, writing something. I have no idea. Don’t really care.” He shrugged. “You’re definitely jealous though, your eyes say it all.”

“My eyes aren’t saying anything.”

“Oh, shut up.”

The conversation with Yuta made Taeil feel a little better. But still… again he was confronted with the fact that he had no idea what Jaehyun felt for him and the insecurity of it made him feel sick. For all he knew Jaehyun was making out with the guy right now.

The Love scene was a strange one where everyone kissed with everyone and skinship was the most natural occurrence. Was he special to Jaehyun, just like the other was to him? Or was he just someone to be close with, casually? At least Yuta and Taeyong knew what they were. Despite being jealous, they knew they had feelings for _only_ each other.

With Jaehyun, Taeil could let all of himself go and be himself. He could strip himself from his normal, ordinary attire and become the _real Taeil._ The person he wanted to be. And above all, Jaehyun felt safe. There was a certain attraction to the man with the cute dimples that Taeil couldn’t quite grasp. He was more than intrigued and it wasn’t just because of their _breathtaking_ make out sessions.  

He was pulled out of his thoughts when Yuta practically dragged him towards the almost empty dancefloor. They danced for a while, Yuta teaching him how to slow dance with unnecessary skinship and twirls. Taeil couldn’t help but have a soft spot for the Japanese man, which he knew was a mutual feeling. With Yuta he felt relaxed and freer than he normally did. The other took him out of his comfort zone, sometimes a bit too far, but in such cases Taeil would just tell him so and Yuta would understand.

Suddenly Yuta twirled him around again and let go of his hand. For a moment Taeil panicked, until he was caught by large, gentle hands.

“Woah there.”

Taeil looked up to see it was the stranger Jaehyun went outside with. He was even taller than Jaehyun and he had a friendly and charming face, framed by black hair. Taeil was at a loss of words for a moment, before he blushed and took a step backwards out of the man’s hold, stuttering out a “Sorry.” His head turned to Jaehyun, who was standing next to the man.

The stranger laughed heartily. “Don’t apologize please. Hi, I’m Johnny.” And he stretched out his hand. “And you are?”

Taeil hesitantly shook the hand. “Ah nice to meet you, I’m Taeil.”

What he didn’t expect, was Johnny pulling him closer by his hand and placing a kiss on the top of the skin. Taeil shivered and his cheeks flushed at the action. The man looked right in his eyes, a smirk dancing around his lips.

“Very nice to meet you. Can I have this dance?”

Taeil’s eyes flickered towards Jaehyun again, but then he remembered the bitter feeling from earlier. He smiled at the stranger, albeit shyly.

“Sure.”

And like that Johnny laid a hand on his waist and didn’t let go of Taeil’s hand with his other. As he put his own hand on Johnny’s shoulder, which was quite high, he vaguely noticed Jaehyun standing next to Yuta with crossed arms. His focus was soon on the tall man again. He was a good dancer, leading him over the dance floor gracefully, holding onto his waist firmly. It was thrilling and fun at the same time, dancing with a complete stranger. For the first time in a while Taeil actually felt more confident.

“I don’t know if someone told you already,” Johnny said against his ear, “But you are very pretty.”

Taeil’s heart skipped a beat at the comment. Somehow he felt very flattered. It wasn’t so bad, receiving complements.

“T-Thank you.”

“You should be careful though,” Johnny continued with a more serious look. “The Love scene is a fun, but dangerous one, Taeil-sshi. You should be on your guard. Always.” He slowly spun him around and pulled him back. “This might look and feel like a safe place, but there are things you don’t know.” Johnny let go of his hand and touched his face. Taeil gulped nervously.

“And it would be a shame if something happened to that pretty face of yours.”

Taeil felt a shiver run down his spine at the words. He didn’t know if it was genuine concern or a warning. Johnny smiled at him though and then let go of his waist and face. He took his hand and kissed it again, giving him a wink.

“It was a real pleasure meeting you, Taeil-sshi. Until next time.” And with those words Johnny walked away. To Taeil’s shock he headed towards Jaehyun and Yuta, kissing the former on the cheek and whispering something in the latter’s ear, after which Yuta let Johnny lead him in a dance. Yuta didn’t look happy about it, surprisingly.

All of a sudden there was an arm around his waist. Taeil looked up to see Jaehyun staring at him intensely. To his surprise, Jaehyun pulled him closer so their chests and noses were touching.

“Did you do that on purpose?”

Taeil pulled back a little, overwhelmed by the other’s presence. “W-what?”

But Jaehyun wasn’t having it and pulled him closer again. “Well, you sure looked like you were having fun with him.”

Taeil was a little confused with Jaehyun’s almost strict voice. He didn’t think it was fair. He replayed the moment Johnny had softly kissed Jaehyun’s cheek, close to tenderly even... It had looked natural, as if it wasn’t the first time. Taeil stared back just as fiercely.

“Well, excuse me for having fun. You two sure seemed to be close.”

It took Taeil a moment to understand what was happening. It was only when Jaehyun looked at him with wide eyes that he got it. They had both used the same sarcastic tone, the same stiff attitude.

_Jaehyun is... jealous?_

The arms around him tightened and when their eyes met Taeil was surprised to see the longing gaze, burning with something he couldn’t quite recognize, but which ignited a fire in his own body. Jaehyun had to be the most attractive man he had ever laid his eyes upon. He wrapped his arms slowly around Jaehyun neck, not being able to tear his eyes away from the drug dealer’s lips.

They closed the distance instantly

It was nothing short of a claiming kiss and Taeil felt himself shake in the younger’s hold as his hands moved over his body and his tongue explored his mouth. The fact that they were still on the dancefloor, still in the presence of Johnny and Yuta, made Taeil’s whole body heat up. It was embarrassing for sure, but it was also... exciting.

When they broke apart Jaehyun didn’t waste any time and grabbed his wrist to pull him along. Without protest Taeil just let himself be dragged towards the back, where the small door that lead upstairs was opened rather violently.  Jaehyun’s hand pulled him inside and Taeil was pushed against the wall, not even minding the arm digging in his back as Jaehyun pressed his body close. He kissed him once.

“Let me make you mine, Taeil,” he said against his lips. Then he reached inside his leather jacket and pulled out a little black box. Taeil could barely see anything in the darkness of the staircase. Jaehyun fumbled with the box, taking something out and then he pressed his lips against Taeil’s harshly, starting a deep, passionate kiss.  If the anticipation before his first kiss with Jaehyun was intense, than this, when Taeil realized what the words meant, was a hundred times worse. The heat in his body only increased when one of the hands on his waist lowered, over his leg, before Jaehyun pulled it up against his own hip.

The action almost lifted Taeil completely off the ground and he made a startled sound. He had never felt _this good_ before, there wasn’t even place for embarrassment in his mind.

Jaehyun broke away, but held the leg in an iron grip. Soon Taeil’s feet completely left the ground when his other leg was lifted as well and he quickly had to wrap his legs around Jaehyun’s waist to refrain from falling back. He was pressed against the wall a little tighter, before Jaehyun spoke again.

“Give me your arm.”

Wordlessly and confused, Taeil obeyed and once he had removed one arm from Jaehyun’s neck, the other quickly pulled up the sleeve of his sweater.  Jaehyun removed the lid from something with his mouth and immediately spat it out.

“W-What are you doing?” Taeil uttered out.

Even in the dark he could see the dimpled smirk. Or maybe he just started to know Jaehyun’s reactions and habits more and more.

“I don’t know when you took your last pill, but I’m not going to risk anything.” He grabbed Taeil’s elbow and stretched his arm. Somehow Taeil knew what was happening. “Can I?”

With his other arm Taeil pulled on Jaehyun’s neck and pressed their lips together quickly.

“Please.”

Swiftly the needle entered his arm and Taeil felt the Love entering his veins. It stung a little since it had been a while since the last direct shot he received, but secretly he liked taking the drug like this more. The rush was immediate, the flutters in his stomach more intense than ever when Jaehyun threw away the empty syringe and kissed him again, rolling his hips forward.

Eventually Jaehyun let go of his legs and Taeil was lowered back on the ground again. His eyes opened, but still the dark of the staircase didn’t offer him enough light to see Jaehyun. The latter pushed himself off of him and started walking up the stairs. On instinct Taeil stretched out his hand, not even surprised when it was placed exactly in Jaehyun’s already outstretched one. Even without seeing it, he knew Jaehyun’s hand would be there.

No matter what they would do tonight, how far they would go, the feeling of Jaehyun’s sweaty, rough, but gentle hand, and the way his chest constricted pleasantly at the touch, was Taeil’s favorite feeling in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope it didn't disappoint! Thank you so much for reading all of it. I have no idea when the next update will be, since my mental health and confidence aren’t the best at the moment. But I am planning on finishing it! It’s very fun to write^^
> 
> I would really appreciate it if you let me know your thoughts about the chapter (or just drop a kudo;)). If you have questions don’t be afraid to ask!^^  
> ~honEy D | [twitter](https://twitter.com/softyukkuri)


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